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Dear Sweet Reason,
I am a "fundamentalist magnet." If I am in a local supermarket or other public
place, the evangelists come straight for me.
I realize that as a woman I appear non-threatening and easy to target. And, to my chagrin,
my reactions are rather meek (i.e. I say, "Thanks, but no thanks," and run in
the opposite direction).
My reaction could be explained in two ways: a) since childhood, I have been socialized in
the typical American fashion that as a woman I should be non-aggressive and b) I just find
evangelists spooky.
So my question to you is this: What would be an assertive yet civil response when
approached by an evangelist, either at my front door or at the supermarket?
I realize that I am the judge of what is appropriate for me, but my problem is that these
people always take me by surprise and leave me tongue-tied. They have a tendency to show
up at my doorstep while my hair is wet or I am wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, which
naturally undermines my confidence.
Sincerely,
INAT (In Need of Assertiveness Training)
Dear INAT:
Good for you! A bit of rational self-assessment is the first step to solving many
problems, and you're right to recognize that you can be assertive without being rude.
You are already asserting yourself when you say, "No thanks," but of course
running away doesn't help you get your shopping done. You can become more assertive one
step at a time, and decide later whether to go as far as making snappy comebacks. It
should help to remember that it really doesn't matter whether a person is promoting their
beliefs or selling used sweat socks -- when you don't allow them to invade your privacy,
you are standing up for an important principle. It may be easier at first to stand up for
the principle than for "yourself," and each time you do so will be good
practice.
It's OK to take preventive measures, and in doing so you are still acting on the idea that
your time is valuable. For example, you could display a "No Solicitors" sign
outside your front door. Then, if you open the door for those who ignore the sign, you can
simply say something like, "It's too bad you didn't see the 'No Solicitors' sign.
Well, I'm going to get on with my chores. Good-bye." Avoid offering explanations,
since they are all too easily taken as grounds for argument. You don't need to have an
explanation for not allowing a stranger to presume on your time.
In public situations, walking quickly and purposefully discourages people from bothering
you -- of course, that's not possible when you're stopping to compare prices or check
apples for soft spots. Then, try simply stating the facts; for example: "I'm busy
shopping and I don't have time for this," or "I can't talk with you; I'm
busy." ("I can't" is an even stronger demand for the other person to do the
right thing and leave you alone). Then, go back to your shopping -- pick up a box to read
the label, or weigh your vegetables.
On the larger issue of building the self confidence to be as self assertive as you like,
try inverting the Golden Rule -- treat yourself as you would treat a friend. People do
wear comfortable clothes at home, and if your friend answered her door in a T-shirt, you
wouldn't think any less of her. If you keep that in mind and think ahead about what you
would like to say, you'll be ready when the time comes.
Dear Sweet Reason,
Recently on the subway I was seated near a conversation between two Latter Day Saints
missionaries and a gentleman they were trying to interest in a free copy of the Book of
Mormon. They were speaking loudly enough to make themselves the center of attention for
the entire car, but not so loudly that they were being rude or invasive to other
passengers. Believing that supernaturalism is harmful rather than harmless nonsense, I
felt a strong urge to speak up, but I couldn't think of an appropriate way to inject
myself into their conversation. Only later did I come up with the idea that I might have
leaned over and said pleasantly, "Now these are the holy scriptures that were
discovered in
Biting My Tongue
Dear Bite,
You made the right choice; however people in the car felt about being a captive audience,
jumping in wouldn't have made them happier. A citizen might intervene in the free speech
of others if there is some aspect that is illegal or -- as you suggested -- very invasive.
For example, if demonstrators outside a local reproductive services clinic are harassing
women entering the clinic, you could volunteer for the escort service. If you're at a
community fair, and proselytizers intrude on conversations at the booth of a local
freethought group, you could say, "Excuse me, I'd like to talk to this volunteer
about her organization," possibly adding, "The booth for your faith is right
over there." If the missionaries on your train had been ignoring a request to be left
alone, or targeting someone who was obviously well under 18, it would have been
appropriate to intervene. In the latter case, you might have said, "I think you
should stop. Would you want strangers pressing their religious texts on your
children?"
 | © 2004, Molleen Matsumura. You may not
republish "Sweet Reason" without the author's permission. To request permission,
email: SweetReason[AT]Humanists.Net. |
Dear Readers:
Our first letter
brings up a problem that's common at this time of year. I give just one possible answer.
I'd like to add your suggestions; just drop me a line and I'll pick some of the best.
--SR
Dear Sweet Reason,
What do you do when they open the office (in state government!) Christmas luncheon with a
prayer? This happened last year and I kept quiet. This year, with about 60 people there,
they forgot to praise Jesus for the food we paid for. There is one neo-pagan type that
just sort of looks around the room like I do when they have these prayers; I guess a good
way for non-evangelicals to meet is to look around the room when others close their eyes
to pray.
It would be interesting to hear how others handle this, especially those that voice an
objection. I could have a lot of fun if asked to say a prayer.
--Rufus T. Firefly
Dear
Rufus,
By mentioning that you work at a state agency, you raise a question of whether there was a
legal violation. Maybe, but it's hard to say. In general, questions about religion in the
workplace are getting more and more complicated. They include accommodating the rights of
employees, as well as not violating those rights. They can involve employment law, as well
as federal and state constitutions, and an increasing number of regulations, executive
orders, and judicial decisions.
Judicial decisions can be very "fact sensitive". For example, the decision might
depend on whether the prayer happens at the staff meeting or the informal party, or
whether it is called for by a supervisor or impulsively given by a staff member. In
situations I've heard about, the fate of a complaint can depend on the complaint
procedures of a particular agency, and the personality or opinions of the person handling
the complaint. If you're ever considering a formal complaint, better talk to a lawyer.
For now, it seems you'd like some ideas for changing the situation without making a formal
complaint. Looking around the room when other people's eyes were closed was actually a
very good strategy, because now you know who might be your ally. Could you and your
colleague suggest ways to change the office party so that people aren't gathered around a
table for a meal? Then having a prayer seems less "obvious"; the party would be
more fun, and if you have to complain eventually, no one can say you're party poopers.
What if the food (maybe a potluck?) was served buffet style, and people were busy
exchanging inexpensive gifts? For some gift exchanges, there's an agreed price limit, and
people can draw recipients' names. Sometimes folks draw gifts from a grab bag and then
make a game of trading gifts. (I have to admit that I'm having visions of anonymously
slipping menorah cookies and framed copies of skeptical sayings into the grab bag!)
Dear Sweet Reason,
I am a man of only 71 years who in the past loved sexual activity with my spouse. She
loves it also, especially the "super orgasm". But as the years grow my ability
to achieve orgasm slowly dies. Erection, no problem. My spouse says, "I wish I could
make you feel as great as you do me." I try to tell her that it is a by-product of my
condition.
Either of us could use some good help.
--Bernie
Dear
Bernie:
There are two areas you and your spouse may need to explore further.
First, it would help to get more information about the physical changes that both men and
women experience as they age, and how they work with those changes. Reading some books and
articles together, or taking a class together, would mean neither of you has the burden of
explaining to the other. It might bring up topics you haven't discussed before. You'd find
out about other changes you can expect, and there might be some surprises and new ideas
for each of you.
Second, you may need to talk more about how each of you feels about these changes. You
have a good foundation to build on -- it's really wonderful that you can give your spouse
so much pleasure, and that she would like to return it. Maybe she is actually giving you
more pleasure than she knows, and she would be reassured if you tell her so, and remind
her sometimes with remarks like, "Last night was wonderful," or, "That
feels so good!" Another possibility is that she feels she is becoming less desirable,
and can't help thinking that the change in your responses reflects on her. Maybe those are
not her feelings, but it is important to discuss such issues.
Consider seeing a properly certified professional, or reading (together!) a book by a
qualified expert. This should be someone with special training in gerontology/geriatrics
(problems of aging), certification in sexology, or both. In the library or on a
bookselling site, you could search on phrases like "aging and sexuality," and
scan cover copy, reviews, index and contents to find a good book.
© 2004, Molleen Matsumura. You may not republish "Sweet
Reason" without the author's permission. To request permission, email: SweetReason@Humanists.Net.
Dear Readers:
Humanist Network News
has published several
letters from readers describing how they handle "the holidays". Try using their
search engine for more ideas.
SR
Dear Sweet Reason,
I'm rather new to being public about my agnostic/humanist/freethinking beliefs. I've
recently had a child and this has prompted a rethinking of my opinions, the ardency with
which I vocalize them. Having a child has brought many issues to the forefront for me.
Currently I'm working through the best way to approach the holiday season. My husband is
all for celebrating Christmas wholeheartedly, but without the religious rhetoric. I feel
more conflicted. Something hits me as not quite right about celebrating a religious
holiday, no matter how secular it has become. At the same time I do not want my child to
miss out on the sense of wonder we all seem to get at this time of year.
What is your opinion on how to celebrate the holidays? I'm trying to find that balance
that satisfies grandparents who are religious, our child, and ourselves.
Grinch
Dear Grinch
Thoughtful Mom,
The "holiday season" is just one occasion to apply the same approaches to family
life and child-rearing that you practice the rest of the year. Your mentioning
"balance" tells me you recognize that family life includes making compromises.
The balance will be more stable if you and your husband humor each other a bit: Nobody
could possibly do everything that everybody does about this holiday. As you make your
choices about what to do, you can trade some elements you have strong feelings about. An
agreement like, "O.K., I'll sing 'Frosty the Snowman' if you'll put up with colored
tinsel on the tree," can evolve into a family joke. It might help to know that the
American "Christmas" includes traditions that have nothing to do with
Christianity, some of which are actually older than the Christian religion.
Here (in no particular order) are some issues you might consider:
 | Families can make their own mix of cultural
celebrations, and special family traditions. For example, some families might make the
same special dinner for every member's birthday, others share the birthday person's
favorite meal. I know a family in which whoever has been enjoying the velvet Elvis that
year, wraps it up and passes it on for Christmas. (No kidding!) You can create your own
mix of inherited and invented customs. |
| You are raising your child in a family and a
world where we must live with our differences. Even when we aren't enjoying them, we hope
at least not to be fighting over them. In your family, that could mean (just for an
example) that you will have Christmas decorations in your home, but not religious ones
like a nativity scene or an angel on the tree. Religious decorations could be at the
grandparents' home, and your child would see that different parts of the family do things
differently. |
| You can also tell your child about other
holidays, in December and during the rest of the year. You might go to a Cinco de Mayo or
Chinese New Year parade; celebrate the Fourth of July; or read children's books about
Diwali (Hindu), Hanukkah (Jewish), or other holidays. |
| Every culture has traditions of giving; gift
exchange is one glue that holds societies together. In many cultures, the New Year is the
occasion for giving. You can use the holidays (along with other occasions) to teach your
child important values that surround giving. These include: taking pleasure in making or
choosing gifts that will please the people we love; accepting gifts graciously (even the
ones we don't like); on one hand, sharing gifts with friends and siblings, on the other,
developing the respectfulness and self control required not to grab at their gifts. |
| Part of growing up in our culture involves a
changing balance between trying to fit in with our friends, and trying to express
individuality. How would you want your child to answer questions about how your family
spent the holidays? Could this change over time? |
| Unfortunately, the holidays are a prime season
for helping your child resist advertising directed to children! That is related to other
tasks like helping your child distinguish fantasy from reality, and deciding how to
balance watching television with other activities. |
| Most (all?) groups living in our country also have
traditions for helping others facing poverty or family loss. You might like to use the
occasion for teaching your child empathy. If you take part in, say, a toy giveaway, you
wouldn't do so because Christmas is important to you, but because it is painful for
recipients to be left out at this time of year. |
Of course this is an incomplete list, and it might not include
some topics that are very important to you, but it's a beginning. I hope your family will
have fun finding your own answers!
© 2004, Molleen Matsumura. You may not republish "Sweet
Reason" without the author's permission. To request permission, email: SweetReason@Humanists.Net.
Dear Sweet Reason,
I am an atheist and a humanist and have been since I was about 12. My mother used to take
me to a Methodist church, but stopped when I was six due to personality conflicts with
people in the church. I never enjoyed going to church and never really believed what they
were telling me even as a young child. Since then I have become more and more distant from
the church and religious people, due to my belief that religion is a negative influence in
the world.
My parents, on the other hand, have begun going back to church and seem to grow more
religious by the day. My mother told my wife that she believes she drove me away from
religion and "God", and feels very guilty about it. I am naturally a very
skeptical person and a scientist to boot so I don't think that anything my mother did
would have made me a Christian.
I don't discuss my religious beliefs with my parents since it seems like an unnecessary
way of introducing stress and conflict into our relationship. However, it concerns me that
my mother is feeling guilty about something over which she had no real control, and which
I believe to be a positive thing. My question is: Is there anything I can do to alleviate
my mother's worries without making the situation worse or more stressful?
Concerned Son
Dear
"Son",
Sometimes the stress worsens for a while as people work out an understanding. Don't
"stress" about the stress, just remember that there may be some hard times on
the way to an acceptable outcome. It is even possible that your mother has taken the first
step toward a relationship in which you aren't just trying to minimize conflict, but
actually enjoy each other more.
If your wife won't feel caught in the middle, she can help by continuing to listen. She
doesn't need to justify your choices, or offer advice; in fact, it's probably better if
she doesn't. She could ask a few questions that clarify your mother's feelings. The main
thing is listening. Your mother may feel less anxious if she has someone to talk to, and
you might get more insight.
First, let's consider the possibility that your mother's guilt expresses a more general
fear that she wasn't a good mother. If that's part of the story, then it might help to
make a point of expressing your affection in ways she can appreciate: Give her flowers?
Mow her lawn? Hug her? That depends on what you would both enjoy. Also, find
conversational openings for making specific comments about ways you feel she has been a
good mother. Did she help you with your homework? Sacrifice to help you through college?
Help in quiet ways when your children were born? Let her know you're still grateful.
Showing affection is worthwhile in itself, and will make things easier if and when you do
discuss your beliefs.
If a time comes when you must discuss your differences, focus on the present. Saying,
"Nothing you did could have changed my mind," might all too easily sound like
either stubbornness on your part, or an accusation of her weakness. What is uppermost in
her mind? If she wants you to have some comfort she gets from religion, she may be able to
"agree to disagree". It could help her to know that you are happy, and that you
care more about your relationship than discussing who is "right".
If she fears that you will go to hell, consider telling her you don't mind if she prays
for you. We know she doesn't want to get into an argument any more than you do; that's why
she confided in your wife. Praying for you is something she can do on her own, without
confronting you. Simply telling her you don't mind is not the same as encouraging her to
pray; it is a "live and let live" approach.
Dear Sweet Reason,
I am an atheist. My brother has asked me to be the godfather of his son. Both my brother
and his wife are very religious. If anything ever happened to them, it is expected that I
-- as the godfather -- would raise my nephew according to their orthodox brand of
religion.
Though my brother and his wife both know that I am not religious, I don't believe they
realize or recognize that I am an atheist. I am so honored that they asked me to be their
son's godfather. Of course I would treat their son as my own!
But I don't know if I'm capable of raising their son according to religious values that I
believe are irrational and detrimental. I'm disturbed that religion may prevent me from
accepting this deeply meaningful role.
I'm afraid that if I really talk to my brother about my atheism then he will not want me
to be his son's godfather.
Do you think it would be dishonest if I were to accept the role of godfather even though I
don't plan on ever having a "spiritual" role in my nephew's upbringing?
From Say Uncle?
Dear
"Uncle":
Congratulations!
Nothing can change the fact that you are this child's uncle. Both the religious
relationship of godparent, and the kinship relationship of uncle, are distinct from the
relationship of legal guardian. To assure that you would become your nephew's guardian,
your brother would need to find out about the laws in your state, and probably have to
name you as guardian in a will.
Since you need to discuss these issues anyway, and your brother already knows you are not
religious, you could tell him that while you plan on being a devoted uncle, it might be
better if another person takes on the religious role. Your feeling that it was an honor to
be asked is genuine, and it will not be dishonest to tell him you feel that way. Then what
is most important is to show your love for your nephew; you can use your judgment on when
and how much to say about your atheism.
© 2004, Molleen Matsumura. You may not republish "Sweet
Reason" without the author's permission. To request permission, email: SweetReason@Humanists.Net
Dear Sweet Reason,
My husband and I are political and social activists who share the same humanist views. My
brother-in-law just started dating a girl from a born-again family. Normally I have little
problem tolerating others' views but my brother-in-law is very close to us, so his
girlfriend is around a great deal.
I find it insulting that I feel the need to curb my tongue or refrain from some
conversations because our clash of views could lead to problems in my husband's
relationship with his brother. She thinks that I attack her personally when I express
views that don't agree with hers. I don't know what to do because otherwise she is a nice
woman and makes him happy, but I fear that if they marry, she will use her religion or our
lack of it as an excuse to pull him away from us.
Fed Up with No Talking
Dear Fed
Up,
Your brother-in-law's girlfriend (I'll call her "GF") will be less tempted to
draw him away, and less able to do so, if you and your husband draw her into a friendship.
You don't say who gave you the impression that GF's feelings are hurt. If it was one of
the brothers, let him know that you will talk with her, and that you prefer to avoid the
confusion a third person might cause. Since GF seems to be a nice woman, consider the
possibility that she is nervous about fitting in, especially knowing that there are
important differences between her and the people closest to her boyfriend. Could it be
that she seems to feel attacked because she fears she is the "odd one out"?
Regardless, if you can begin by assuring her that you think she's a nice person, and you
want to find ways for everyone to get along, you'll have your best chance of
"agreeing to disagree". Knowing you don't share opinions, you and GF can
still be considerate of each other's feelings. For example, you can both avoid
statements that slur the other's group (such as, "Humanists/Christians are
sinners/superstitious"), and you can both ignore occasional slips of the tongue like
"God damn it/God bless you." This approach helps "eliminate the
negative". How can you "accentuate the positive"?
Try finding out what you have in common besides your relationships with the brothers.
Another idea to try –- if you enjoy competitive activities, like volleyball or board
games, you and GF can team up against the brothers, rather than splitting into couples.
Dear Sweet Reason,
I am an atheist in southeast
I have my reasons, mainly from history and science, but the fundies start their
fear-mongering long before children have the capacity to accept non-belief without
becoming bitter about life in general. I feel as if they are caught between a fear that
fosters false belief, and a truth that offers little hope to a young mind that can't yet
appreciate the joy of free thought. Are there any books that for teens that pertain to
non-belief, and where can I get them?
Unduped Dad in the Bible Belt
Dear "Dad":
Giving your kids an alternative to "fear-mongering" will not make them bitter.
There is joy in knowing that we will not be punished for enjoying life's pleasures and
taking pride in our accomplishments. Also, you should know that you may have more
influence on your kids than you realize. For example, a 2003 survey (PDF)
found that, "…59% of teens consider their parents to be role models of healthy,
responsible relationships."
Your kids' questions show that your respect for their intelligence, and concern for their
feelings, already lead them to expect more from adults than authoritarian, dogmatic
answers. My first suggestion is that you do some research of your own so can give better
answers; it will mean a lot to your kids that you care enough to work on finding better
answers. Besides, "actions speak louder than words" is especially true for
parents teaching values to their children; part of encouraging them to use written
resources is to do so yourself.
Just as a wide range of information affected your worldview, no single book or category of
books can do the job you have in mind. That said, here are some suggestions:
| The Atheist Alliance offers a short list of books
about unbelief (scroll down to "young readers"). Some of these are preachier
than others, and they are written for different age levels. The Prometheus
Books "young readers" listings are all from a humanist viewpoint;
titles link to information on content and age appropriateness of works of fiction, and
non-fiction on topics including skepticism, science, death, and human sexuality. |
| It is important to get books or information
with useful perspectives on issues important to teens. Find out about the misinformation
in the "abstinence only" sex education at their schools (this SIECUS press release
includes a link to complete reviews of such curricula). Supply your kids with valid
information (start with Planned Parenthood).
Your kids will see for themselves the difference between the hypocrisy and fear of one
approach, and the honesty and life-affirmation of the other. |
| Other good resources include the Consumer Reports Web site for children and
teens, and the Teen Consumer
Scrapbook. These offer information about more than shopping –- such as
privacy issues, health, financial services and other topics important to young adults --
in a manner that promotes critical thinking. |
| Adolescence is the time to learn that the
world is bigger than southeast |
| Offer useful experiences as well as books. Set
an example about treating people as individuals, regardless of their beliefs: Whether your
children's friends are religious or not, encourage friendships with those who are kind,
supportive kids; the dogmatic, self-righteous ones will deal themselves out of the game.
Look into ways your kids can meet and hear about freethinking teens and young adults. For
example, Camp Quest summer
camps for freethinking teens operate in |
© 2004, Molleen Matsumura. You may not republish "Sweet
Reason" without the author's permission. To request permission, email: SweetReason@Humanists.Net.
My mom and I were watching
"Dances with Wolves" yesterday. Being that I have a heavy dose of Native
American in me, I gave up theism way back in the 70's somewhere. My mom made the comment
that you have to let the Native override Christianity, and I had to agree. My husband also
has some Native in him, but he seems unwilling to let religion go. He has said to me that
he has heard the Native calling stirring in him. How do I get him to let the Native take
over? Or is it a decision he has to come to? I know it's there - he said so. How do I help
him let it come to the forefront? Any ideas?
Whitewolf
Dear Wolf,
As you've guessed, the kind
of major decision you're talking about is one that people really have to make on their
own. If your husband chooses that direction, you can help him. It's important to keep in
mind from the start that in the course of helping someone you are close to make a change,
you are likely to change yourself.
But what direction are we
talking about going? Becoming more strongly Native American in some way doesn't
necessarily mean becoming non-religious – there are and have been many Native
American religions. Lots of us from different cultural backgrounds find ourselves sorting
out how to stay in touch with our roots without keeping religious beliefs; I've never
forgotten a guy who signed his posts on a listserve, "Aditya, the Hindu
skeptic".
I suggest you spend some time
thinking about what it means to you to be Native American, and possibly talking it over
with your husband. For one person it might mean a special relationship with the natural
world; for another, it could mean cultivating traditional virtues like loyalty,
neighborliness, or courage. How do you feel your background is already part of your life?
Are there things you and your husband would like to do to build on that, like going to a
story-telling festival or visiting your ancestral lands? Whether or not these
conversations (and actions?) change your husband's religious views, they can bring you
together on an exciting journey.
Dear Sweet Reason,
Since the election I have been
hearing a lot of talk about values. How about helping to add a bit of clarity to the
values scene and helping recognize similarities and differences? Maybe an article
comparing Humanist values to those of various religions ? Could you identify some common
religious values that might appear harmless in passing conversation, but a Humanist would
not necessarily agree with. Could you also compare Humanist values with
"mainstream" and military values? The Army (I'm in the National Guard), espouses
Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage. I look
forward to a Sweet answer.
Rich in New Paltz
Dear Rich,
I can give you some hints on
how to find some good reading and some online discussions, but this column concentrates on
helping people apply Humanist values to their particular problems. Yes, sometimes people
need to consider the possibility that they are taking religiously-derived values for
granted, and should consider another approach. Sometimes I will discuss that. I am
planning a column about different views of "forgiveness", and I hope you will
enjoy it.
What about your own
explorations? Course
descriptions at college websites will give you ideas for a lifetime of reading. Consider
taking the course on "Sacred vs. Secular Ethics" offered by the Continuum of Humanist Education. For a collection
of articles that are all from a freethought perspective, try the library of the Secular Web. Check out the discussion
forums there, and on this (HNN) website. On military values, try the
articles and forums at the Civic Soldier Forum,
where they "are
building a progressive community within the military."
P.S.
If you ever talk to your Mayor, give him a rose from Sweet Reason – as appreciation
for those same-sex marriages he performed.
Dear Sweet Reason,
I come from a strongly Jewish background. My dad is in his eighties and in poor health.
The time will soon come when I have to deal with his funeral. I and my non-Jewish wife and
children have made it a point over the years to try to attend ceremonial functions,
recognizing the importance of ceremony in the stages of life. These have become difficult
as my wife recognizes more and more how she is excluded, and I simply want to get up and
heckle the rabbi when, for example, he tells bar-mitzvahing boys that they must never
disagree with their parents.
My dilemma is that as the only son I'm expected to say Kaddish several times during the
week after my father's death whilst the family sits "Shivah". I would simply say
no but I do feel that it would be a mark of extreme disrespect to him (however dead he may
be at the time) and also would offend family members. The difficulty is that I understand
the Hebrew words and resent singing praise to a non-existent being praised for its hatred
of non-believers. To cap it all my respect for my father is limited. He has also asked me
to say prayers for him when he dies despite knowing my views.
I try to rise above it all and say that they're only words and it would be a big thing to
do, but I really struggle with the whole concept and wonder if I'm just demonstrating
views as entrenched as those I've left behind. I suspect I'll end up saying the prayers
but at what cost to me?
Funereal Thoughts
Dear
"Thoughts":
Let's separate the questions of what to do for your father, and what to do for your other
relatives. If you've made a promise to your father, keep it to satisfy your own
conscience. If you haven't promised, perhaps you could tell him (in your own words, of
course), "I believe it would show greater honor to your memory if we ask a sincerely
religious family member to actually say Kaddish, and I share some memories of you and the
good things you've done." You do have something you could say; your respect for him
is "limited," not nonexistent. And, asking someone else in advance reassures
your father that someone will do this for him. Whatever he says is information that you
can use to make a decision.
Now is the time to start thinking, and discussing with your wife, what to do about the
years after the funeral. Some questions you could think about: Are there any family
members who would take a lead in making your wife feel more welcome? Would it be feasible
to attend the more secular parts of some celebrations, like the reception after the bar
mitzvah? Are some relatives' feelings more important to you than others'?
Whatever you do, there will be costs, but if you decide to follow tradition, the costs
will be more bearable if you have a plan to make things better at future ceremonies.
Dear Sweet Reason:
Last year I went to a class reunion to see classmates that I had not seen for 46 years and
will probably never see again. The register asked for e-mail addresses and I foolishly
wrote in a valid address.
Family members had apparently told some old classmates all about me. Many years ago I
moved to
I know I can change my e-mail address but why should I have to do that when I have been
using this one for many years? Do you have any suggestions on how to get rid of these two
once and for all.
No More Class Reunions
Dear
"No More":
These days, most e-mail providers give you tools for blocking undesirable email: Find out
how to use them. Meanwhile, just delete the messages. Nobody can make you read them! You
may want to find out whether your class list is posted on a Web site, and request that
your name be removed. If you are sure that someone outside your class is using the e-mail
list, consider telling the organizers that outsiders are using the list. Even if they are
sympathetic with proselytizing, they should understand that other kinds of harassment
could occur, and they have some responsibility to prevent that.
©2005, Molleen Matsumura. You may not republish "Sweet
Reason" without the author's permission. To request permission, email: SweetReason@Humanists.Net.
Dear Sweet
Reason,
I'm a firebrand atheist, and when someone says "God bless" as a salutation, I
want to tell them I'm an atheist, and that God stuff is silly nonsense, and often
dangerous. What do you suggest I say? Don't tell me to just smile and say, "Thank
you."
Firebrand
Dear Fire:
It sounds like you've been keeping your atheism quiet, and it's time for you to start
being more open. There are things you can say that fall between the firebomb and doormat
responses.
It may get easier to handle these situations if you channel your anger into constructive
action, like opposing legislation that would allow discrimination against minority
religions and the nonreligious. You could do a lot of good that way, too.
Meanwhile, try suiting your comments to the circumstance. For example:
| With
strangers and casual acquaintances, don't reply in kind. Answering, "Merry
Christmas" with "Happy holidays," makes a certain point; so does answering
a blessing with, "I'll be thinking of you." |
| A
speaker at a public event -- like parents' night at school -- could be taken aside and
told, "I think it would have helped to express your good wishes in a way that
welcomed everyone in the audience, including the nonreligious." |
| Be
more open with selected friends. Try telling them, "It's YOUR blessing that matters
to me." If they want an explanation, "God's blessing doesn't seem real to me.
YOURS does," makes the point without telling them they're silly. Some who are not
thinking about their words might actually be glad to know what you think. |
| When
dealing with a vulnerable person – say, a bereaved parent thanking you for coming to
a funeral – spare them the lecture. |
Dear Sweet
Reason,
I have an older cousin who is a very loving, demonstrative person--and very religious.
Recently, when she was one of several dinner guests in my home, she enthusiastically
offered to say grace. I replied that maybe each of us could say something, or we could
have a moment of silence.
It looked like her feelings were hurt, and later I found out they were. I was visiting her
with some other relatives, also very religious people, and one of them suggested we hold
hands and pray together. She said, "Oh, cousin won't want to do that!" and the
hurt feelings were there in her voice.
Is there some way I could have handled the situation with more sensitivity? My sons say I
should have just let her say grace.
Loving Cousin
Dear Loving:
It is hard to refuse a well meant offer. Sometimes beginning, "It's wonderful that
you offered, but…" softens the blow, but not always. Still, I can't help
wondering -- maybe you were sensitive enough. Could it be your cousin sensed your
discomfort, and felt embarrassed? Later, she may have been trying (however awkwardly) to
honor your wishes. The question facing you now is this: What can you say to soothe
her feelings, while taking care of your own?
I suggest you set aside time for a conversation with just the two of you present. You
could begin by saying something like, "It looked like your feelings were hurt when
you were visiting me and you offered to say grace." Her reaction will tell you
whether what she needs is reassurance that she didn't hurt your feelings, or an apology.
If an apology is appropriate, try, "I'm sorry the way I expressed myself upset
you." The question you need to settle together is, "What can we do so we'll both
be more comfortable from now on?" Let the conversation assume that each of you wants
to be sensitive to the other's feelings.
This approach naturally leaves openings not only for your cousin's opinion on whether you
might have said something different, but also for a shared decision on what will happen
when she's your guest. When you're talking in a less pressured situation, it should be
easier to decide what will work for both of you. Your cousin's views could be helpful in
dealing with your other relatives, too.
When people are making "inspirational" statements, be prepared with your own,
honest and nonreligious remarks. Maybe, if you say to your cousins, "I am so grateful
to have a loving and supportive family," they can replace the prayer with a hug and
a, "Me too!"
©2005, Molleen
Matsumura. You may not republish "Sweet Reason" without the author's permission.
To request permission, email: SweetReason@Humanists.Net
April 6, 2005
Dear Sweet Reason,
I am in a twelve step recovery program and have been a lifelong Atheist. I am trying to
work this "spiritual" program and don't even understand what the word
"spiritual" actually means. My system of beliefs and my sobriety are both
important but I'm trying to figure out how they both fit.
12 Step Heathen
Dear Heathen,
Here's information about three national, secular recovery programs. Each is reputable, and
has received some official recognition. Unlike twelve step programs, which expect addicts
to "admit that [they are] powerless over alcohol", these offer methods for
taking power over addiction, and responsibility for your life.
Many people find that peer support helps them maintain their sobriety. You may be able to
find a "face to face" meeting through one of these programs, and each offers
online forums and "chat" groups as well. Some people continue to work with
twelve step groups, alone or in combination with secular groups; they use the more
practical steps and ignore the "spiritual" ones. You could discuss this approach
online with secular peers, and work out your own, best solution.
"SMART"
Recovery stands for "Self Management And Recovery Training". The Web
site describes a "Four Point Program" and has a "library" of coping
methods and "homework". Organizations that recognize SMART Recovery include the
National Institute of Drug Abuse and
SOS
stands for "Secular Organizations For Sobriety" or "Save Our Selves";
it is a network of autonomous support groups. The site says, "SOS has gained
recognition from rehabilitation professionals and the nation’s court systems. In
November of 1987, the
LifeRing's
motto is, "Empower your sober self." Their Web site is a bit confusing, but a
good place to get an overview is the "treatment
professionals" page, which also lists letters of recommendation from
medical facilities. Links in the blue box at the top of the page include a
"toolbox" and a listing of treatment programs that do not use
"spiritual" methods.
Dear Sweet Reason,
My fiancé and I are not religious. But our families are. His family is Jewish and mine is
Presbyterian. We don't know what to do about our wedding ceremony. His mother insists that
we be married by a rabbi in a temple. My mother and father don't mind if we get married in
a temple, but they insist that a Presbyterian minister be present. My fiancé's mother
does not want a minister at the wedding. (She wants me to convert to Judaism. That's not
going to happen).
We don't know what to do. This wedding is fast becoming about our mothers rather than our
love for each other. Neither of them will stand having a justice of the peace officiate.
We've talked about eloping. But we want our families to be part of our wedding. We know
that this situation might create bad feelings that could last for decades. How can we talk
to our parents and get them to realize that our wedding is about our love for each other,
and not about their religious beliefs?
Not Going to the Chapel
Dear Fiancée,
Talk to your parents after you have at least begun exploring alternatives and deciding
what you want.
There are organizations -- and clergy -- that serve interfaith couples; they should have
some suggestions you can use. The
Dovetail Institute, an "independent organization offering resources on
intermarriage," offers ideas for interfaith weddings, and a brochure that addresses
problems in extended families. The Jewish Outreach Institute offers directories
of rabbis who will perform interfaith marriages; some are willing to
co-officiate with a minister. You could design a ceremony with a celebrant listed by The
Humanist Society; their Web site describes state laws (in some states, couples
can perform their own ceremonies!), and offers sample ceremonies and a geographic listing
of certified celebrants. Secular celebrants, and many clergy, gladly perform weddings at
neutral locations, like public gardens and event rooms.
Consider premarital counseling to discuss issues that might be sensitive in the future,
such as holiday observances and children's upbringing. It would also show your families
how carefully you are planning. Perhaps you can find friends your parents will listen to,
or literature they can read. (For example, the Presbyterian Church's brochure
"Interfaith Marriage" recommends a "non-coercive,
non-manipulative family environment".)
Once you've made plans, you can work out what to say, each to your own parents. Some
ideas: Tell them, "We know our wedding is just the beginning of a relationship
spanning many years, and we have promised to shield each other from in-law troubles. So,
we will respectfully consider your feelings, but ultimately make our own decisions."
Knowing that your in-laws won't run your lives may help your parents quit trying to do so.
When you honestly tell them why you have ruled out elopement, you will also be reassuring
them you love them and value their presence. Tell them how they can help with your wedding
(things like finding a friend to help arrange flowers, or "giving away" both the
bride and groom).
Also decide what to do if any of your parents won't bend. One possibility is a small,
private ceremony, with a reception for family and friends.
Choose the best beginning for a marriage that is indeed about your love and mutual
respect.
©2005, Molleen
Matsumura. You may not republish "Sweet Reason" without the author's permission.
To request permission, email: SweetReason@Humanists.Net.
Dear Sweet Reason,
My middle son is a devout Evangelical Christian. When I visit him we often go for a walk
at a state park near his house that displays fossils. I use that as an opportunity to
start a conversation about science and creationism, but he gets sullen and clams up. I
want to try to open his mind a bit, but apparently I'm going about it the wrong way. Can
you suggest anything?
Evolving with Increasing Perplexity
Dear Perplexed,
Unless your son is at risk of doing something dangerous, just back off, at least for now;
you know that's his unspoken message. If he were about to give his house to a TV preacher,
you'd have to intervene, but you don't seem to be facing any such crisis. So, find ways
you can enjoy each other's company and interests; if you're going to the state park, plan
a hike or bring binoculars and a guide to local birds. Talk about how his job is going,
ask what presents to bring his kids -- whatever is needed to show respect for his
independence, and build affection and trust.
Bear in mind that if your son is going to respond to intellectual arguments (the approach
you've been trying), he might not do so when the arguments come from his father, of all
people. You haven't said how his siblings feel; if they share your concerns, maybe they
can help you decide what to do.
Meanwhile, try to understand why he is devout. Anyone's beliefs (yours and mine, too) can
be understood as a result of the influence of others, and as an attempt to solve life's
problems. What's the "influence" story? For example, if you brought your son up
as a Christian, it could seem unfair to expect him to change because you have. If you have
an evangelical ex-wife, he may be uncomfortable with divided loyalties.
Does your son have reasons to think that faith has made his life better? If he feels that
it is helping him handle serious life challenges, it may become possible to discuss
alternative or additional solutions, but it could be unwise to try to force the pace of
change -- if he is going to change.
Will thinking about these issues show you a way to influence your son? Maybe slowly, maybe
not at all. But it will at the least bring understanding and acceptance.
Dear Sweet Reason,
HELP! I am a hopeless (by choice) atheist trapped in the buckle of the Bible Belt.
Everywhere I go, someone always asks: "What church do you go to?" When I
positively speak up, with a co-worker for example, I get a response like, "You're not
really an atheist, are you?"
I want to be able to claim my secular humanness without feeling like I am branded as
completely different and then marginalized. It's really difficult in many parts of this
country to say who you are with confidence.
What can those of us who live outside of the progressive bastions do?
From
Hey Nash!
Guess what? Right here in
I'd have to agree that it takes more courage in
The answer depends on the listener. A sweetness-and-light answer would go like this:
"The volunteer coordinator at the hospice didn't believe me at first, either. Now
they just assign me to the patients who say they have no religious preference." To
someone you know has a sense of humor, you might explain, "I know it doesn't
really show; things have never been the same since the dry cleaner lost my horns." A
matter-of-fact answer is, "Maybe it's hard to believe, but after all, one-seventh of
Americans are atheists; some of us even go to church for social reasons."
The Internet has been a tremendous help to atheists isolated in very small communities --
sometimes even helping people finding each other in the same area! In a town the size of
Dear Sweet Reason,
I am a science writer, and often when addressing controversial issues the religious
arguments will come up. But as a naturalist, I try to present the idea that a deity is not
necessary to explain anything in the universe. For some this comes across as
"anti-theist." How do you think I could answer such a charge?
Inoculated with Ideas
Dear Ideas:
Reading Voices
for Evolution, a
collection of organizational statements on the evolution/creation issue, should give you
lots more ideas. Much of what they say also applies to other issues.
Statements from scientific organizations will help you express yourself as a scientist.
Statements from religious organizations will give you insight into common concerns, and
give you solid grounds to say, "This is not a scientific controversy, but a religious
controversy. Nothing in scientific research makes it possible to settle religious
differences about how to interpret and apply scientific findings."
Common sense analogies also help. For example, "Looking under the hood to see if the
engine over-heated says nothing about whether a deity wanted my car to stop."
The bigger issue in so many controversies these days is helping people see that neutrality
isn't equivalent to hostility.
Dear Sweet Reason:
For spring break my high school band went on a great trip where we performed in a parade
and went on a cruise. The Sunday before we boarded the boat, there was a little Easter
Service with a timid woman reading from a Bible, interpreting it, and apologetically
preaching about various things. Then another guy led a prayer about having a safe trip. I
sat with some friends and just wondered why we were doing this.
When the guy said, "Bow your heads," I looked around for people not bowing.
Didn't find too many. But out of a 100-member band there must be at least 15 atheists. I
know personally two Jews and a Pagan in the band. I only know seven atheists in the band,
but I think it has more atheists than the national average. (Atheists are quiet about not
being religious; you need to know somebody quite well to find out).
How is what happened morally correct? Is it O.K. to discriminate, marginalize, and even
ostracize people that are not Christian? My roommate came to me after the service
wondering, "Why I wasn't there." He was mad, too; we nearly got into a fight,
and he asked two other atheists where they'd been.
Our band director had made the service mandatory. From what I can find out, previous band
trips always had an Easter service. I know this is illegal. It is a government funded
school. My teacher could easily lose his job for pulling something like this. I don't want
him to -- he's a great guy and we're one of the best bands in our state. I don't think he
knows that what he's doing is wrong, and indeed illegal.
Could someone explain to him? He's a very understanding and laid back person. I was
thinking about sending this to some organization like the Secular
Student Alliance, or the ACLU. Then I thought you might want to publish
it. Besides, I want some response too, not just a letter to my school.
Quiet but unbowed
Dear Unbowed:
Let's begin by talking about your band trip. Odds are very high that your teacher wouldn't
be fired -- you can just concentrate on the issue of what happens at school and school
sponsored activities.
Usually the first step is for a concerned parent (or parents) to talk to the teacher or
principal. You could begin by talking with your parents, or talking to friends about whose
parents would want to work on this problem. Contacting a civil liberties organization is a
good idea because then, if the teacher and principal won't agree to end the mandatory
service, the organization is familiar with the issue and ready to help. These
organizations can explain what they would do to avoid conflict, whether it is possible to
make an anonymous complaint, and so forth.
Two online sources of information about students' First Amendment rights are the
ACLU page on students' rights, and Prayer
And The Public Schools: Religion, Education & Your Rights, by
Americans United for Separation of Church and State.
Your teacher may have thought he was doing what parents want by mandating the prayer
service; knowing that many parents do not want this might help him understand the legal
issues. If there isn't enough time to act before the end of the school year, use the
summer to prepare for a conversation in the fall. That timing would also allow parents to prevent
a problem rather than complain about it.
Next, there are many ways to work on changing an atmosphere that marginalizes minorities.
You could start a new organization. The high
school page of the Secular Students Alliance has information for
contacting other student groups and the high school club director.
You could form an ACLU club or First Amendment Club, or a Bill of Rights club, possibly
with the help of a teacher; many state ACLUs help students form campus clubs, and you
could begin by checking the Web site of your state ACLU. Besides offering mutual support,
clubs could sponsor educational activities like a "Bill of Rights Day", or
debates that model respectful dialog. The Southern Poverty Law Center's Teaching Tolerance
Project has pages with information
and action ideas for teens (use the links on the left side of the page); a
listing of youth action groups; and a state
by state listing of adult social justice groups might work with you,
together with more action ideas. Another model emphasizes discussion and mutual
understanding rather than action and debate: look for ideas from the
Study Circles Resource Center and The
Garrison-Martineau Project.
These organizations also have resources for teachers, so you could try to find a
sympathetic teacher willing to help, whether or not you start a student group. Also, they
can help you work on other types of discrimination, such as racial discrimination and
discrimination against immigrants.
I hope you'll let me know how it goes
Dear Sweet Reason,
I am in my early twenties and have started questioning religion and God.
My father, who I've always admired and respected, is a conservative, literal-minded
Christian. Throughout my life, I have gone to my father for advice and just for someone to
talk to. He knows that I don't go to church any more, but I don't think that he knows the
extent of why.
Now, when I ask him for his opinion on many current-day issues, his answer is the complete
opposite of mine. I used to be able to talk to him about anything. Now I feel like if we
discuss anything, it would only alienate me further and if I give him my opinion, then it
will alienate him. Do I inform him of my own conclusions on issues or should I remain
silent?
Should I tell him about my growing disbelief in God? How do I remain close to my father
when religion is such a big part of his life?
Sally
Dear Sally,
Your differences with your father are serious, and your relationship has already started
changing, but you can still feel close.
You are coming into your own as an adult, and that process includes starting to see older
adults more objectively. It can be painful to recognize the limitations of people you
admire, but you can also gain a deeper appreciation of their strengths. You describe your
father as "literal-minded" but not as rigid or authoritarian. He has personal
qualities (warmth? kindness? fairness?) that led you to trust and admire him. Recognizing
the ways he continues to show his good qualities, and treasuring good memories, can be the
basis for admiring him now. Keep up activities you've always shared, like hiking or
hobbies. That may sound trivial, but sharing small pleasures is an important part of good
relationships.
The fact that your father hasn't pushed you to go to church may mean that he, too, is
worried and hoping to remain close. For parents, the challenge is recognizing that
children who make different life choices aren't rejecting their parents or all of their
values. There's a joke that many parents are emailing to each other, about a mother
finding a letter from a daughter who explains that she is dropping out of school to live
in a shack, have children out of wedlock and support them with drug sales. Eventually the
letter ends, "Don't worry, none of that is true. I just wanted you to have
perspective when you see that some of my grades are less than we hoped."
After years of openness, it may be hard for you not to tell your father more about
yourself, but you can go slowly and carefully. A relative or family friend might be able
to advise you, or give you some idea what your father thinks. (Make sure you can trust
them not to say anything to your father until you are ready).
Help your father keep perspective by showing your love, and your commitment to shared
values. He might not like your opinions, but your honesty is a gift of respect. Also,
think ahead about what to say if you find yourself discussing current issues. There are
ways to disagree that might be easier for him to hear at first; for example, if you are
discussing prayer in public schools, you could express sympathy for kids who are left out.
If either of you becomes angry or rejecting, remember -- that doesn't have to last
forever. You can reconcile, and while you may not have the old closeness, you can have a
grown-up relationship, choosing to live with each other's imperfections. Meanwhile, build
close relationships with people you respect (both peers and older people) -- everyone
is better off if there are people besides their parents who they can talk to.
Dear Sweet Reason,
I self-identify as an atheist. Many people in my family are atheists by default, but
wouldn't say so. However, one cousin in his seventies is a very religious Christian
(Presbyterian). He is charming, smart, active, and a great person.
It's also obvious to me and several relatives that he's gay. Although he thinks he's in
the closet, many people in the family have come to realize he's gay, and so far no one has
any concern about it (except him, it seems!). Quite possibly because of his strong faith,
he sometimes seems very troubled and remains closeted, at least to himself, struggling
with his identity. Sometimes he avoids people he thinks might figure things out (usually
they already have) — even relatives who care about him. I'm one of those people.
The problem is, when the guy gets on a religious jag with me, it's all I can do not to
come right out and say, "Look how you struggle with these issues! You're gay, and
it's O.
I would never dream of outing anyone, but it's frustrating to watch someone I care about
labor under a philosophy that is irrational to begin with, and is causing him to suffer
unnecessarily. What should/can I do?
Caring but frustrated in
Dear Caring,
You can try to understand more about what's going on in your uncle's mind (which could
make caring less frustrating), and you can speak for yourself.
Your uncle matured in a world where gayness was much less accepted than now, not only by
religions, but also in secular society. He was in his forties when the American
Psychiatric Association stopped classifying homosexuality as a disorder; the story
of further changes and controversies is complicated. Another five years passed
before, in 1978, his church took a stand against homophobia. Try reading the summary of
the Presbyterian church's statements about homosexuality on their Web site at http://www.pcusa.org/101/101-homosexual.htm.
These statements oppose housing and employment discrimination and call for treating
gay congregants with respect, but they also say that those who have not
"repented" of their "sin" should not be ordained, and rule out gay
marriage. Such mixed messages must have contributed to your uncle's struggles and would
lead him to be more upset if people's perception that he's gay is mistaken.
Some other possibilities to consider: In many denominations, same-sex marriages and
related issues have led to painful divisions; people who feel that they are the cause of
such problems — much like children of parents who are getting divorced — could
feel very guilty. Also, many marginalized people bend over backwards to feel and show that
they belong — for example, members of ethnic minorities strive to show their
patriotism in wartime; this pattern might explain your
uncle's "jags".
Whatever else you choose to say about religion, you certainly can tell your uncle about
your objections to his church's social policies. In that way, you can tell him that in
your mind "gay is okay", without telling him what you've guessed. Even if he
doesn't come out to you, he could get some comfort from your support.
Dear Sweet Reason,
My 95-year-old, frail father-in-law takes great pleasure in talking with me, because
I’m the only other open atheist in the family. He said recently, "It ticks me
off! Why should I have to keep on living just because others think it's for the benefit of
my soul? There's no such thing as a soul!"
He was and still is deeply pained over his wife's suffering for the two or three years
prior to her death a little over a year ago.
He continued, "It’s become a full time effort just to get through the day. My
skin is so sensitive that the slightest brushing against something causes these huge
bruises. It was a bruise like this that got infected before. All of this effort, but with
no reason to keep going on."
All I could think of to say was, "I understand the frustration. It's really got to be
rough."
Have you some ideas on more that I can say?
Sincerely,
Feeling the pain
Dear Feeling,
You have certainly started on the right track by listening and acknowledging your
father-in-law's feelings. I think you can go forward by saying different things about
different, intertwined issues.
Clearly, he has some medical problems and there are questions about the best way for him
to deal with them. He talks with you so honestly that you can honestly say to him that at
95, he won't live much longer. Any questions are about how he can spend his remaining time
as comfortably and happily as possible. Could you offer to accompany him, or help him, as
he gathers more information? He may want a referral to your local hospice for information
on how they help relieve pain. Hospice personnel or the state medical association can give
him information about advance directives or whatever means are legal in your state for
assuring he will be cared for as he wishes. Hospice can also help him cope with other
relatives, or counsel relatives directly, and explain to them that pain control doesn't
necessarily hasten death.
It sounds like your relatives are offering the best reasons they can think of for your
father-in-law to go on living. While talk about his soul doesn't make sense to him, their
feelings might matter. Whether you're talking with him, or with the family, discuss the
feelings that go with the reasons. Could it be they simply don't want to lose him —
especially after the loss of his wife (and their mother)? Whatever medical decisions are
made, everyone will suffer less if these feelings of love and loss are acknowledged.
I wonder whether family members have been trying to comfort themselves with the thought
that your mother-in-law is in heaven. That's a thought that wouldn't comfort your
father-in-law, and you can help him by continuing to talk with him about his loss, and to
share memories of her. Thomas Attig's The Heart of Grief is helpful because it
describes so many ways people have coped with grief, that one of them is sure to ring true
for your father-in-law.
Attig also describes many people who have lost a loved one and felt at first that life was
no longer worthwhile; then they found new reasons for living.
Your father-in-law's medical problems may give him a different outlook. Still, it may be
that he can find new reasons to go on. One might be that there is someone who needs to
know that he loves them, and that it is worthwhile to hang on a little bit longer so he
can let them know. Reassurance that he loves them might actually help the family let him
go.
Dear Sweet Reason,
Recently, I, my sister, her husband and daughter came to dinner at my new condo.
Generally, we had lots of fun and I got to read my favorite "Frog and Toad"
story to my five-year-old niece. However, when we sat down to dinner, my sister informed
me that she and my niece usually say a prayer before dinner for another family member who
is in
I'm not trying to be mean-spirited but I feel that the idea of god wasn't good for me and
it was reinforced by everyone around me acting like the supernatural was real. I don't
wish to stand in the way of others' reinforcing their beliefs, but I don't want to be
party to the deception. I feel like I got snookered into supporting it — after all, I had to sit quietly during the
prayer as though it really was sacred communication. I'm more than happy to be respectful
in their home, and I'd really like that to be a two-way street.
Can you think of any way I could handle it better next time? I want my guests to be
comfortable, but I want to be comfortable too! And I can't very well ask them to go
outside to pray as though they needed a smoke!
—Losing it in Los Altos
Dear
The most satisfactory solution would be one you and your sister work out together, but you
will need to take the lead by starting a discussion with her before her next visit. Don't
wait until there's pressure to make an immediate decision. If possible, allow time for
more than one conversation.
Finding a "two way street" is the best framework for your discussion, but
remember that not only you and your sister are concerned; she is also thinking about what
she believes is good for her daughter. Let's hope that after seeing you together, she will
understand that you care about your niece, too, and want to work out an approach that is
good for all of you.
Tell your sister how much you enjoyed her visit, and that you'd like to start planning for
next time. Talk about what books and toys you could have on hand, and plan a meal that
would be healthy and fun. In that context, say something like, "Let's talk about how
to avoid confusing Niece when we skip the prayer at my house." Putting it that way
takes for granted that there will be no prayer, and also makes it clear that you want to
take care of your sister's concerns as well as your own.
Another good reason for such a discussion is that your niece is old enough to be invited
to dinner by her friends. She is going to encounter different practices in different
families, and the home of a trusted relative is the best place to begin learning to handle
such differences. There are many possibilities, and over time you can make different,
age-appropriate choices. Here are some ideas to start with:
| Acknowledge how wonderful it is that your sister is teaching her daughter to think about
the welfare of her relatives, then talk about other ways that can be done in your home.
You might be able to agree that instead of praying, you will talk about your relative,
possibly even planning a gift you could send to |
| If a daily prayer is important to your sister, perhaps she and her daughter could pray
before leaving home. |
| You and your sister could plan for her to pray with her daughter in the living or dining
area while you are doing something in the kitchen. |
| If you would be comfortable having a moment of silence in your home, you might suggest
that, though your niece might be too young; then it could be kept in mind for the future. |
| You could also discuss the possibility of developing another, special custom for your
times together (if necessary, helping your sister keep in mind that there are other times
she and her daughter can pray together). For example, you could begin the meal by taking a
moment for each person at the table to express appreciation or thanks for another person
who is present — you might thank your
niece for helping set the table, while she thanks you for reading to her, and your sister
thanks you for the delicious food. |
Sweet Reason – A Community Project
When this column originally
appeared, it ended with a link to an online Reader Survey. Survey results appear in a later column.
Have you ever heard of "Fishbowl" group exercises?
For these exercises, a number of chairs are arranged in two concentric circles. One group
of people — say, students — occupies the inner circle, while the other group
— say, professors — occupies the outer circle. The inner group discusses a topic
while the outer group observes, and then the two groups trade places and roles.
Because the chairs are arranged so that the groups aren't facing each other, the people in
the inner circle speak more freely. The people in the outer circle can't comment (at
least, not right away), so they may hear things they wouldn't listen to otherwise.
So, the mechanics of the exercise help the groups learn about each other. For example, a
professor might hear this reason for a student's distracting habit of eating during
lectures: "The only way I can meet course requirements is to take three classes one
right after the other. The buildings are so far apart I literally run from one class to
the next — especially when a lecture runs overtime. If I didn't eat in class, I
wouldn't eat at all." Students may learn the professors' reasons for assigning
"too much" reading.
I was reminded of the "Fishbowl" when I got an anonymous email that said,
"Please clarify for your readers that 'Conservative' is not synonymous with
'Religious'."
I don't know whether the writer meant, "Not all religious people are
conservative", or, "Not all conservatives are religious".
Both those statements are true enough, at least in some communities and, maybe, depending
how you define "conservative." Maybe my anonymous correspondent will write an
article about it! But for me the letter's significance was that it highlighted one of the
main differences between advice given in a conversation among friends, and that given in a
published column.
An advice column is like a Fishbowl. Deeply felt things are said by one person, and
answered by one other. It seems like a private exchange, but in fact others are looking
on. This is a good thing. One benefit for people in the "inner circle" is the
discovery that others share their feelings and their problems.
Some "onlookers" can get insight into the feelings of the freethinkers in their
own lives. For others, an advice column reveals the "human face" of humanism in
a way that's not possible with book reviews and news flashes.
A collection of questions about issues like how to resolve family misunderstandings, or
cope with job discrimination, or answer well-meaning strangers, makes the same point as
the famous speech Shakespeare wrote for Shylock (a member of another minority): "Hath
not a Jew eyes ... hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the
same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same
means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is? If you prick us,
do we not bleed? …"
Whatever else they are, freethinkers and followers of faiths are each other's neighbors
— all of us human, some obnoxious, some lovable.
The Fishbowl function of "Sweet Reason" is one reason that, in the months since
it was launched, I have come to see that it is not only "my column", but also a
community project.
So, it's time I asked for community input on new directions the project might take.
How often should "Sweet Reason" appear? Should it include opinion pieces as well
as letters? I may not be able to take all the advice I get, but it can make a difference!
To answer these questions and more, I invite you to TA
Dear Sweet Reason,
What should I do if I don't like my
family?
"Jan"
Dear Jan:
That's a
big problem that can't be solved with one reply, so let's start
with ways you can get ongoing advice from someone you can talk to in
person. The American
Counseling Association lists a number of ways you can find a counselor.
They also list
a number of crisis hotlines that you can use if you need to talk to
someone right away. To their list I would add that many public libraries have listings of
community services, including counseling services. Sometimes family members have trouble
getting along because of problems they are facing —
for example, caring for a sick relative, or financial problems. You may need to look for
community agencies that could help with your family's problems, and local lists are the
best place to look.
Different
people feel comfortable with different counselors, and it helps to have some suggestions
for finding the one who is right for you. This
link leads to a list of questions you might ask a counselor; the list
was compiled by a consumer group that also explains
the different types of counseling licenses, and discusses
concerns about confidentiality.
Before beginning counseling, do ask how your confidentiality will be protected; in some situations, the law requires a counselor to make a report, and you will want to know if that applies to you.
If someone in your family is abusive, there are special numbers you can call. Abuse can be physical (like hitting someone), but it can also be psychological (like constantly telling someone they are no good), or it can be neglectful (like parents' not making sure their children have enough to eat). If you're not sure, try looking at the explanation Childhelp USA offers to kids and teens; the same description fits abusive relationships between adults, too. If you or someone in your family is being abused, and there is danger that someone will be hurt right away, call 911! Otherwise, use one of these hotlines to find help in your community. If you're under 18, call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-(800) 422-4453 (that's 1-800-4-A-CHILD). If you're over 18, see the information at the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE. If you're afraid to call from home, call from a friend's house.
If you decide against counseling, or while you are still looking, there are things you can do for yourself. When someone doesn't like their family, it usually means they feel their family doesn't like them. Even when families are getting along well, it's important for a person to have other sources of support.
You may want to find a support group: Support groups are people who get together to discuss a problem they have in common. Sometimes, they are brought together by a counselor. They may advertise or place flyers in local newspapers, the library, community centers, and so on. Since you have brought your question to a humanist website, I will mention that there are support groups for people who don't share their family's religious beliefs, or just want to spend time with others who are not religious.
To find a group in your community, try looking at the Internet Infidels' listing of local organizations. For online support, try the discussion forums maintained by the Institute for Humanist Studies, or by the Internet Infidels. Sometimes, people in support groups become friends.
Friends just like to be together. If you feel you already have good friends, that's wonderful; but, I still advise you to consider finding a counselor because counselors have other ways of helping than friends do, and because hearing a lot about serious problems can get to be too much for even a close friend. If you need more friends, try meeting people who share your interests. For example, if you like animals, you could meet friends volunteering at a petting zoo or animal shelter; if you like the outdoors, you could meet friends on community-organized hikes.