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Sweet Reason's "ABC-Rs of Advice-Giving" I still remember the
first time a doctor invited me into his office for a moment and invited me to sit down
while he looked up the appropriate prescription. Every doctor I'd met before that would
disappear for a few minutes, then return with a written prescription – rather like
the legend of Moses communing with his god and returning with the "Ten
Commandments". We are much safer with physicians who acknowledge their willingness to
learn from colleagues and research, and to share their information with us. My goal as an advice
columnist is to help readers find their own best solutions, so it makes sense for me to
describe my methods. The least I can do by explaining my philosophy is help you decide
whether you really can use the advice I offer. Better yet, I may give you ideas for
helping friends who ask for advice, or thinking about your own problems. You won't follow
these steps in the same order every time, but they're a handy checklist for making sure
you've been thorough in thinking through a problem. Some years ago, in a
plea for a balanced humanism, I wrote, "In my view, humanism relies on
reason and compassion. Reason guides our attempt to understand the world about
us. Both reason and compassion guide our efforts to apply that knowledge ethically
to understand other people, and to have ethical relationships with other people." Those are the ideas
behind the "ABC-Rs" I use to answer every letter published in Sweet
Reason. ANALYSIS: The most challenging problems are
complicated. It can be overwhelming to untangle such issues as how to resolve conflicts
between different people's feelings, and how to face our fear of what could happen when we
take action. Sweet Reason can help by identifying some major elements of the problem, and
by asking about issues that weren't mentioned in your letter. Breaking a problem down into its parts helps identify small
steps you can take to make it more manageable, and eventually solve it. Asking new
questions suggests new solutions you may not have considered. For example, "How can I
make my toddler's food taste better?" leads to different answers than, "How can
I get my picky eater to finish lunch?" (By the way, small children are more sensitive
to the temperature of food. Once I had tried filling my child's plate and refrigerating it
for a couple of minutes before we sat down to dinner, I didn't have to choose between
coaxing and commanding her to eat.) Analysis also helps you decide whether you need more
information before you can work on a solution. ALTERNATIVES: There are two different ways it's important to
think about alternatives. One is to look for alternative explanations of a situation you
are facing, or another person's behavior. For example, people can seem angry when they're
actually frightened; shyness and snobbishness can look a lot alike. It is also important
to think of alternative solutions for problems, keeping in mind the personality of the
person facing the problem, and different situations they will have to handle. For example,
being asked to pray at a city council meeting does not present the same problems as being
asked to pray at your neighbor's funeral. For some problems, a very shy person and a very
outgoing person will need different advice. BACK OFF: Be aware that the advice you give me not be taken, or that your friend will take the advice they thought you gave, not the advice you thought you gave. Or, if you discussed a few alternatives, you may find out that you really hoped they would choose "option A" ... when they choose"option C". When this happens, try to take it in stride. It's rarely a matter of life and death, and it's their life, not yours. (And if you're wondering -- yes, it's easier for me to take that attitude towards my column than towards people I know in person. But I try.) BUILD on the strengths of the person who's asking
for advice. They'll usually tell you something about their attitude, or solutions they've
tried. Finding something they're doing right can strengthen their confidence and help them
find a solution that fits their style. Think of
a gym teacher helping a kid decide whether they're a sprinter or a long distance runner.
Seeing that there is a problem, and seeking help, often take strength and courage; they
deserve recognition as the first steps on the way to a solution. COMPASSION: People use this word a lot of ways – the meaning I have
in mind here is not "feeling sorry for", but "feeling with" –
just what the roots of this word mean! It's important to get some idea of the feelings of
all the people involved, and to use those feelings as a starting point. In a face-to-face
conversation, you have many clues like body language and tone of voice. For example, if
your friend is complaining about a bossy relative, you can notice whether they sound
angry, hurt, or amused. You can ask questions, too: for example, "Is that an older
brother or younger brother you're telling me about?" Working with a short letter means using some imagination, and
raising questions based on missing information. For example, a college student recently wrote, "I am out-numbered by Christians in the university
buildings in which I live [and]…. they continuously bombard me with questions on my
not attending church,… yet don't listen when I attempt to answer." This
student didn't tell me what they were doing to meet people outside the dormitory, so I
made sure to ask about it in my reply. Compassion
applies to all the people involved. Remember when someone tells you about their problems
with another person, you're only hearing one
side of the story. You don't REALLY know how the other person feels, or what they meant;
in my reply to the college student, I suggested that some people might be trying to
convert him or her, while others might be genuinely curious. (And suggested different
alternatives for dealing with different people.) CONVICTION: The best
solutions to your problems allow you to be true to your convictions; better yet, you can
take your problems as a chance to think about your ideals, and live up to them! For a
humanist, this means working to find answers right for the people living with the problem,
instead of trying to satisfy the demands of a sacred text or religious leaders. For
example, I have known people who suffered unreasonably by trying to meet religious
requirements to honor unloving parents. "Sweet Reason" will support you in
making decisions that help you be fair to all concerned (including yourself !) while
sticking to your convictions. RESEARCH: Do you need more information to solve
your problem? Where can you find it? To choose an example that has nothing to do with
religion: You're moving to a new city and are trying to figure out where to look for
housing; you might ask friends in the area, check classified advertising to find out about
housing prices, call the police department to ask about neighborhood crime rates, and so
forth. When facing any problem, it helps to ask what you need to know. Sweet Reason raises
these questions and does some research, too. Take a look at some of the resources on
this site; see if they help, and send your
suggestions! REVISIT: If you're
advising a friend, you can check back and ask how things are going. You can congratulate
them on their progress, or help them figure out a different approach, or support them if
they are ready to take a new step. If it's your own life, you can ask whether
circumstances have changed and you can try a new approach to the problem. You can
celebrate your progress, or thank someone who's tried to meet you half-way. If you would like Sweet Reason to revisit a problem, send in
your thoughts. Sometimes I'm able to publish readers' remarks, or try out new ideas when
one reader's question isn't quite the same as another's. |