Past Columns

These columns are selected to give you a feel for the advice you might get if you write to Sweet Reason. If you’d like to read more columns, visit Humanist Network News.

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Dear Sweet Reason,

I am a "fundamentalist magnet." If I am in a local supermarket or other public place, the evangelists come straight for me.

I realize that as a woman I appear non-threatening and easy to target. And, to my chagrin, my reactions are rather meek (i.e. I say, "Thanks, but no thanks," and run in the opposite direction).

My reaction could be explained in two ways: a) since childhood, I have been socialized in the typical American fashion that as a woman I should be non-aggressive and b) I just find evangelists spooky.

So my question to you is this: What would be an assertive yet civil response when approached by an evangelist, either at my front door or at the supermarket?

I realize that I am the judge of what is appropriate for me, but my problem is that these people always take me by surprise and leave me tongue-tied. They have a tendency to show up at my doorstep while my hair is wet or I am wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, which naturally undermines my confidence.

Sincerely,

INAT (In Need of Assertiveness Training)

Dear INAT:

Good for you! A bit of rational self-assessment is the first step to solving many problems, and you're right to recognize that you can be assertive without being rude.

You are already asserting yourself when you say, "No thanks," but of course running away doesn't help you get your shopping done. You can become more assertive one step at a time, and decide later whether to go as far as making snappy comebacks. It should help to remember that it really doesn't matter whether a person is promoting their beliefs or selling used sweat socks -- when you don't allow them to invade your privacy, you are standing up for an important principle. It may be easier at first to stand up for the principle than for "yourself," and each time you do so will be good practice.

It's OK to take preventive measures, and in doing so you are still acting on the idea that your time is valuable. For example, you could display a "No Solicitors" sign outside your front door. Then, if you open the door for those who ignore the sign, you can simply say something like, "It's too bad you didn't see the 'No Solicitors' sign. Well, I'm going to get on with my chores. Good-bye." Avoid offering explanations, since they are all too easily taken as grounds for argument. You don't need to have an explanation for not allowing a stranger to presume on your time.

In public situations, walking quickly and purposefully discourages people from bothering you -- of course, that's not possible when you're stopping to compare prices or check apples for soft spots. Then, try simply stating the facts; for example: "I'm busy shopping and I don't have time for this," or "I can't talk with you; I'm busy." ("I can't" is an even stronger demand for the other person to do the right thing and leave you alone). Then, go back to your shopping -- pick up a box to read the label, or weigh your vegetables.

On the larger issue of building the self confidence to be as self assertive as you like, try inverting the Golden Rule -- treat yourself as you would treat a friend. People do wear comfortable clothes at home, and if your friend answered her door in a T-shirt, you wouldn't think any less of her. If you keep that in mind and think ahead about what you would like to say, you'll be ready when the time comes.

How can I maintain sobriety without joining a "Twelve Step" program?

Dear Sweet Reason,

I am in a twelve step recovery program and have been a lifelong Atheist. I am trying to work this "spiritual" program and don't even understand what the word "spiritual" actually means. My system of beliefs and my sobriety are both important but I'm trying to figure out how they both fit.

12 Step Heathen

Dear Heathen,

Here's information about three national, secular recovery programs. Each is reputable, and has received some official recognition. Unlike twelve step programs, which expect addicts to "admit that [they are] powerless over alcohol", these offer methods for taking power over addiction, and responsibility for your life.

Many people find that peer support helps them maintain their sobriety. You may be able to find a "face to face" meeting through one of these programs, and each offers online forums and "chat" groups as well. Some people continue to work with twelve step groups, alone or in combination with secular groups; they use the more practical steps and ignore the "spiritual" ones. You could discuss this approach online with secular peers, and work out your own, best solution.

"SMART" Recovery stands for "Self Management And Recovery Training". The Web site describes a "Four Point Program" and has a "library" of coping methods and "homework". Organizations that recognize SMART Recovery include the National Institute of Drug Abuse and American Academy of Family Physicians.

SOS stands for "Secular Organizations For Sobriety" or "Save Our Selves"; it is a network of autonomous support groups. The site says, "SOS has gained recognition from rehabilitation professionals and the nation’s court systems. In November of 1987, the California courts recognized SOS as an alternative to AA..." It has a "toolkit" of methods for maintaining sobriety, based on members' experience, and contact information for a coordinator who will try to help you find a meeting in your area.

LifeRing's motto is, "Empower your sober self." Their Web site is a bit confusing, but a good place to get an overview is the "treatment professionals" page, which also lists letters of recommendation from medical facilities. Links in the blue box at the top of the page include a "toolbox" and a listing of treatment programs that do not use "spiritual" methods.

My parents are pushing my fiancee and me to have a religious wedding.

My fianc� and I are not religious. But our families are. His family is Jewish and mine is Presbyterian. We don't know what to do about our wedding ceremony. His mother insists that we be married by a rabbi in a temple. My mother and father don't mind if we get married in a temple, but they insist that a Presbyterian minister be present. My fianc�'s mother does not want a minister at the wedding. (She wants me to convert to Judaism. That's not going to happen).

We don't know what to do. This wedding is fast becoming about our mothers rather than our love for each other. Neither of them will stand having a justice of the peace officiate.

We've talked about eloping. But we want our families to be part of our wedding. We know that this situation might create bad feelings that could last for decades. How can we talk to our parents and get them to realize that our wedding is about our love for each other, and not about their religious beliefs?

Not Going to the Chapel

Dear Fianc�e,

Talk to your parents after you have at least begun exploring alternatives and deciding what you want.

There are organizations -- and clergy -- that serve interfaith couples; they should have some suggestions you can use. The Dovetail Institute, an "independent organization offering resources on intermarriage," offers ideas for interfaith weddings, and a brochure that addresses problems in extended families. The Jewish Outreach Institute offers directories of rabbis who will perform interfaith marriages; some are willing to co-officiate with a minister. You could design a ceremony with a celebrant listed by The Humanist Society; their Web site describes state laws (in some states, couples can perform their own ceremonies!), and offers sample ceremonies and a geographic listing of certified celebrants. Secular celebrants, and many clergy, gladly perform weddings at neutral locations, like public gardens and event rooms.

Consider premarital counseling to discuss issues that might be sensitive in the future, such as holiday observances and children's upbringing. It would also show your families how carefully you are planning. Perhaps you can find friends your parents will listen to, or literature they can read. (For example, the Presbyterian Church's brochure "Interfaith Marriage" recommends a "non-coercive, non-manipulative family environment".)

Once you've made plans, you can work out what to say, each to your own parents. Some ideas: Tell them, "We know our wedding is just the beginning of a relationship spanning many years, and we have promised to shield each other from in-law troubles. So, we will respectfully consider your feelings, but ultimately make our own decisions." Knowing that your in-laws won't run your lives may help your parents quit trying to do so.

When you honestly tell them why you have ruled out elopement, you will also be reassuring them you love them and value their presence. Tell them how they can help with your wedding (things like finding a friend to help arrange flowers, or "giving away" both the bride and groom).

Also decide what to do if any of your parents won't bend. One possibility is a small, private ceremony, with a reception for family and friends.

Choose the best beginning for a marriage that is indeed about your love and mutual respect.

How can I influence my son, who is an Evangelical Christian?

Dear Sweet Reason,

My middle son is a devout Evangelical Christian. When I visit him we often go for a walk at a state park near his house that displays fossils. I use that as an opportunity to start a conversation about science and creationism, but he gets sullen and clams up. I want to try to open his mind a bit, but apparently I'm going about it the wrong way. Can you suggest anything?

Evolving with Increasing Perplexity

Dear Perplexed,

Unless your son is at risk of doing something dangerous, just back off, at least for now; you know that's his unspoken message. If he were about to give his house to a TV preacher, you'd have to intervene, but you don't seem to be facing any such crisis. So, find ways you can enjoy each other's company and interests; if you're going to the state park, plan a hike or bring binoculars and a guide to local birds. Talk about how his job is going, ask what presents to bring his kids -- whatever is needed to show respect for his independence, and build affection and trust.

Bear in mind that if your son is going to respond to intellectual arguments (the approach you've been trying), he might not do so when the arguments come from his father, of all people. You haven't said how his siblings feel; if they share your concerns, maybe they can help you decide what to do.

Meanwhile, try to understand why he is devout. Anyone's beliefs (yours and mine, too) can be understood as a result of the influence of others, and as an attempt to solve life's problems. What's the "influence" story? For example, if you brought your son up as a Christian, it could seem unfair to expect him to change because you have. If you have an evangelical ex-wife, he may be uncomfortable with divided loyalties.

Does your son have reasons to think that faith has made his life better? If he feels that it is helping him handle serious life challenges, it may become possible to discuss alternative or additional solutions, but it could be unwise to try to force the pace of change -- if he is going to change.

Will thinking about these issues show you a way to influence your son? Maybe slowly, maybe not at all. But it will at the least bring understanding and acceptance.

That's a big problem that can't be solved with one reply, so let's start
with ways you can get ongoing advice from someone you can talk to in
person. The American Counseling Association lists a number of ways you can find a counselor. They also list a number of crisis hotlines that you can use if you need to talk to someone right away. To their list I would add that many public libraries have listings of community services, including counseling services. Sometimes family members have trouble getting along because of problems they are facing — for example, caring for a sick relative, or financial problems. You may need to look for community agencies that could help with your family's problems, and local lists are the best place to look.

Before beginning counseling, do ask how your confidentiality will be protected; in some situations, the law requires a counselor to make a report, and you will want to know if that applies to you.

If someone in your family is abusive, there are special numbers you can call. Abuse can be physical (like hitting someone), but it can also be psychological (like constantly telling someone they are no good), or it can be neglectful (like parents' not making sure their children have enough to eat). If you're not sure, try looking at the explanation Childhelp USA offers to kids and teens; the same description fits abusive relationships between adults, too. If you or someone in your family is being abused, and there is danger that someone will be hurt right away, call 911! Otherwise, use one of these hotlines to find help in your community. If you're under 18, call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-(800) 422-4453 (that's 1-800-4-A-CHILD). If you're over 18, see the information at the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE. If you're afraid to call from home, call from a friend's house.

If you decide against counseling, or while you are still looking, there are things you can do for yourself. When someone doesn't like their family, it usually means they feel their family doesn't like them. Even when families are getting along well, it's important for a person to have other sources of support.

You may want to find a support group: Support groups are people who get together to discuss a problem they have in common. Sometimes, they are brought together by a counselor. They may advertise or place flyers in local newspapers, the library, community centers, and so on. Since you have brought your question to a humanist website, I will mention that there are support groups for people who don't share their family's religious beliefs, or just want to spend time with others who are not religious.

Friends just like to be together. If you feel you already have good friends, that's wonderful; but, I still advise you to consider finding a counselor because counselors have other ways of helping than friends do, and because hearing a lot about serious problems can get to be too much for even a close friend. If you need more friends, try meeting people who share your interests. For example, if you like animals, you could meet friends volunteering at a petting zoo or animal shelter; if you like the outdoors, you could meet friends on community-organized hikes.

Sometimes people who are unhappy with their families get into friendships that aren't good for them. People who put you down or try to get you to prove yourself, are not true friends. Choose friends who see what's good in you, and help you feel good about yourself.

Maybe your troubles with your family have also led you to dislike yourself, or to feel that you are "no good". Friends and support groups can help with those feelings, but it's also important for you to learn to like yourself. This would be something to talk over with a counselor, but I have a couple of other suggestions, too. First, if you find yourself thinking that people who like you are mistaken, work on that! Tell yourself to respect their judgment, and let yourself believe that you are likable. Also, think of at least one thing you do well, no matter how small, and do it more, or do similar things (for example, if you're good at drawing, learn to paint too). Doing something well can give you both pleasure and self-respect. Finally, be kind to yourself and treat yourself as a friend, even in little ways like taking yourself for a walk on a sunny day; people who treat themselves well really do feel better about themselves.

Today is Valentine's Day, and the day before yesterday was Darwin Day. It's always fun finding meaning in a coincidence ("Green is your favorite color, too? We must have been fated to meet!") and the nearness of Valentine Day to Darwin Day is a coincidence that allows us to find deeper meaning in both holidays.

While Valentine's Day is still a day for couples to express their romantic feelings, it's grown into a broader celebration of love and friendship. Valentine greetings can be exchanged between students and teachers, family members and good friends. Valentine's Day could become a day when we recognize our connectedness and equality with all our fellow humans.

Symbols of family and faith have been the traditional ways for people to find common ground with others outside their immediate circle. Families have been linked in clans and tribes through intricate genealogies reaching back to mythical (and magical) shared ancestors. The symbolism of family has been adopted in many religious contexts; for example, in Christianity, people may speak of being "brothers and sisters in Christ."

Sometimes, common faith has helped people to transcend ethnic boundaries; an especially moving example is the section of the Autobiography of Malcolm X in which he describes the experience of sharing the pilgrimage to Mecca with people of different races, and abandoning his own racism.

But religious mythologies are also filled with creation stories that "explain” and justify hatred of outsiders. And all too often, religious beliefs that create new bonds also create new boundaries, uniting believers against those who think differently.

Understanding evolution gives us a different, factual basis for building peace and harmony. The biological connection of each human to every other human is more than a metaphor -- it's a simple fact.

Darwin Day has been proclaimed as a celebration of "reason and science." It is also a time to celebrate moral courage. It took moral courage for Darwin and his contemporaries to explain and defend the science of evolution, and especially to apply it to human beings. In addition, the idea of evolution has been celebrated among humanists as showing our deep connection to the natural world. By remembering that evolution demonstrates our connection to each other, we can put our ethics on a solid foundation. Replacing traditional prejudices with reason and science turns out to be a recipe for love.

A practical way to build on the connection between Darwin Day and Valentine's Day is to use these holidays to promote appreciation of diversity in your family and community. Here are just a few ideas (be sure to send me yours):